Nature Vs. Nurture: The Chicken and the Egg

Summer, over at Mom is Teaching, posted on a topic that I really got into. Her post stemmed from a discussion on wether boys are inherently different from girls, and if their education should be approached differently. She also touched on the nature vs. nurture topic. I do not homeschool and I have two girls. However, as I began writing what was turning into an epic comment, I decided to explore the topic in more depth here.

As far as nature vs nurture goes, it really isn't one or the other. Our personalities are necessarily a reflection of both our genetics and our experiences. Thanks to our genes, we are predisposed to certain attributes, but due to different experiences, those attributes can manifest themselves in different ways.

For example, say two boys are born with a propensity to be stimulated by conflict, but they grow up in different households with different experiences. Their respective experiences lead one to join the debate team  while the other makes a habit of getting into scuffles with his peers. They both enjoy the same rush, but one has learned to fulfill his need by engaging in socially appropriate behaviors.

Now, lets relate this to gender differences, but rather than viewing boys and girls as a dichotomy, try thinking about them as being opposite ends of a continuum. We hear about some boys being "all boy" and some girls being "all girl," but we also know of plenty of children who would not fall into either of those. 

I believe this is where genetics comes in. Some children are just born more energized than others--->enter stereotyping--->in boys this energy is viewed as rowdiness. A lot of it has to do with perspective (and, of course, everything is relative), although I do believe that boys tend to have a higher energy level than girls. This is where nurture comes into play.

It's up to us, as parents, to instill in our children the understanding that there is a time and a place for everything. School isn't supposed to just be about academics. In addition to the reading, writing, and arithmetic, kids learn a great deal about social expectations.

When my daughters enter school, I expect them to respect their teachers and fellow classmates by not goofing around. I expect them to exercise self control by waiting until they are out of the classroom to run around. And, I expect them to know that they ultimately bear the responsibilities of their actions.

Children need to be provided with plenty of opportunities to get their wiggles out, but don't they also need to learn the importance of complying with social expectations and finding socially acceptable outlets for their various needs?

***I do not have school-aged children, and I don't have boys. My perspective is based solely on my understanding of human behavior and my views on personal responsibility.

To Bite or Not to Bite?

So one day that sweet little angel you've been caring for suddenly decides that the best thing to do with those brand new pearly whites is to chomp down directly onto your arm. How do you respond?

Your first reaction may be some indecipherable vocalization signifying pain. Some would immediately follow this vocalization with a swift return of one's teeth onto the predator.

But don't be too quick to react on impulse. The messages we send to our children regarding aggressive behaviors can have lasting impacts.

Drs. B. Terry Brazelton and Joshua Sparrow recently responded to a grandmother's recommendation to use the "fight-fire-with-fire" approach when addressing bighting (article). I can relate all to well with this woman, who for all intensive purposes could very well be my mother.

In fact, just a few years ago my mother did that very thing, only not on her own grandchild. It was my niece who was the victim of a biting toddler, and my mother took it upon herself not to confront the child's parent about the incident, but to go straight to the horses mouth, so to speak. Yes, she actually bit this little girl in an effort to teach her a lesson: biting hurts.

Sure, the little girl may, indeed, never bite again. But for what reason? What has she learned? Has she learned that biting is an inappropriate outlet for anger or frustration?  Or, as the doctors point out, has the child perhaps learned that the adult is out of control, unpredictable, and untrustworthy? Has she learned an acceptable way to express her emotions?

According to the article:

Learning self-control is a major goal for childhood, never more than now in our world of schoolyard shootings, road rage and orange alerts. This is a much more important goal than just teaching a child that parents can hurt back, and to suppress his stunned and violated feelings. Suppressing angry, hurt feelings just postpones them — until the time that the child is bigger and more powerful than the parent.

So what does one do? Well, it depends on what is driving the behavior to begin with.

When our toddler acts out for attention, we put a stop to the behavior by diverting her energies elsewhere. We then try to attend to her while she is playing nicely, thus reinforcing the appropriate behavior.

When she acts out because she simply doesn't have the resources she needs to express herself, we explain to her that what she did was not nice and we show her a better way to respond to the situation.

Kids act out. That's how they learn about the world around them. Teach them the tools that will help them throughout life rather than just focusing on stopping the behavior.